A Night Off.

After the frivolity and entertainment of yesterday, I'm taking a night off.

Today really sucked, in general and specifically.

I can't think of anything else to say, so you'll just have to wait until to-morrow.

Have no fear, I shall return.

Later.

April Fools

I was going to do some elaborate April Fool's Day post.

I was going to pretend that I was giving up the blog- that I had run out of things to say and couldn't be bothered to post again. It would have been tragic and heartfelt, the only thing missing would have been the tears on my monitor.

Then it hit me.

Some of you might believe it, and not come back. I value my loyal (but small) readership too much to throw it away on an Internet Joke.

So I'm going to Saran Wrap the toilet bowl instead.
Sure, the only people who will fall for it are the Kids or the Wife, but hey - they'll be the last to suspect it. (That's the genius of the plan.)

Later.

Easy Like Saturday Morning.

I need a haircut.

How do I know?

I woke up this morning and practically fainted when I looked in the mirror. Not because of my stunning good looks, but because of the absolute horror that was my Bed Head. I don't remember having a wrestling match with my pillow last night, but it must have happened. (I think the pillow won.)

I've always wondered what I would look like with horns, now I know. Think Wolverine from the X-men, but lose the wife-beater and throw on some middle-age paunch. (As the song says - I'm bringing "sexy" back.)

Unfortunately I don't have the time in my schedule to get it a haircut today.
I think I'll shellac the mass into something resembling a hairstyle and see how it holds up at work. (Anyone who says I'm using "product" will get a punch in the face.) It will be under stress, so one wrong move and BOOM - I look like an ass.

Oh what a joyous day.


Later.

Song On My Mind - "Got To Have You" By Nuno Bettencourt
Reading - "The Instructions on a Bottle of Gel" By Aussie Naturals.

Wisdom.

When I was but a young lad, I learned two very important lessons:

1. If you can't think of anything to say, keep your mouth shut. Better people think you are Quiet and Intelligent, lest you open your mouth and prove them wrong on both points.
2. Don't eat Hot Dogs for dinner if you are going to be mixing your alcohol later.

That's all I got. The well has run dry today.

Later.

Song On My Mind - "Young Lust" By Pink Floyd
Reading - "Orca" By Stephen Brust

Picking a Fight.

Iran scares me.

Iran reminds me of that freaky kid at school.
(You know the one.)

This was the first kid who ever brought a weapon to school. It might have been a pocket knife, brass knuckles, a baton, or those throwing stars that all the TMNT-kids wanted back in the day.

This kid would show some of us whatever it was he'd brought and explain that he wasn't afraid to use it. He'd tell you how it would fuck you up three ways from Sunday, and that if anyone knew he had it, they wouldn't mess with him. (We would believe him too - he had that crazy gleam in his eye.)

He would then proceed to try and pick a scrap with anyone he came across.

He would perceive insults where there weren't any, try to lip off the bigger kids, poke at the disadvantaged or slow to get a reaction from others. This kid was aching to use what he'd brought, and the fact that he was being denied only enraged him further.

Iran reminds me of that kid.

I'm not going to say who's right or wrong on the world stage. I don't know all the facts, and I can't pretend to even understand the thought process behind the Governmental decisions of another country.

I'm just telling you what I feel.

But reading & watching the news, all I can think of is that crazy fucker picking a fight, just because he's got a knife in his back pocket....

Later.



Song On My Mind - "I Turn My Camera On" By Spoon
Reading - "CNN.com" By Can't Look Away.

I Feel...

1. That the amount of mucus coming out of my right nostril should counteract the extreme dryness of my left. Unfortunately, it's not going to work that way.
2. That trying to form a coherent, consistent thought out of my brain is like...oh look, there's a puppy.
3. That the only people who should sniffle as much as I do are sick people and cokeheads. I'm too fat to be doing coke.
4. That I should watch what I say around my children, even when joking. It's hard to explain to my son what "Hot, Three-way Action" is out of context.
5. That the main problem with Halls™ is that they make everything you eat or drink afterwards taste just like Halls™. Not the sort of flavor I was looking for. Not since I quit chugging cough syrup for the codeine.
   
6. That maintaining my sunny disposition despite wanting to collapse in a heap has been my biggest accomplishment today. (I think the drugs offer heaps of assistance.)
   
7. That "Rolling up my Rim" and winning a coffee has become the new highlight of my day.
8. That if those are my two biggest highlights - I really need some help.
9. That this summer - I'm trying out flip-flops.
10. That's it's been a long time since I've done a list.

Later.


Song on My Mind - "Bang the Doldrums" By fall out boy. (Go ahead, Joe - laugh.)
Reading - "The writing on the bottom of the NyQuil bottle" By Me.

Pox Pt.2.

I think they have transferred it to me.

In my role as the loving, caring, nurturer I've picked up sniffles and a runny nose. I've sneezed twice just typing this, narrowly avoiding my monitor both times.

I've loaded up on the drugs, (but not too heavilly as I have to work early tomorrow) and I'm praying to whatever God will listen that I can get a decent night's sleep.

I leave you with a scence from one of my favorite movies - it accurately describes how I feel.

The Dead Collector: Bring out yer dead!
[a man puts a body on the cart]
Large Man with Dead Body: Here's one.
The Dead Collector: That'll be ninepence.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I'm not dead.
The Dead Collector: What?
Large Man with Dead Body: Nothing. There's your ninepence.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I'm not dead.
The Dead Collector: 'Ere, he says he's not dead.
Large Man with Dead Body: Yes he is.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I'm not.
The Dead Collector: He isn't.
Large Man with Dead Body: Well, he will be soon, he's very ill.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I'm getting better.
Large Man with Dead Body: No you're not, you'll be stone dead in a moment.
The Dead Collector: Well, I can't take him like that. It's against regulations.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I don't want to go on the cart.
Large Man with Dead Body: Oh, don't be such a baby.
The Dead Collector: I can't take him.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I feel fine.
Large Man with Dead Body: Oh, do me a favor.
The Dead Collector: I can't.
Large Man with Dead Body: Well, can you hang around for a couple of minutes? He won't be long.
The Dead Collector: I promised I'd be at the Robinsons'. They've lost nine today.
Large Man with Dead Body: Well, when's your next round?
The Dead Collector: Thursday.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I think I'll go for a walk.
Large Man with Dead Body: You're not fooling anyone, you know. Isn't there anything you could do?
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I feel happy. I feel happy.
[the Dead Collector glances up and down the street furtively, then silences the Body with his a whack of his club]
Large Man with Dead Body: Ah, thank you very much.
The Dead Collector: Not at all. See you on Thursday.
Large Man with Dead Body: Right.


Thanks IMDB, for the awesome cut-and-paste.

Later.

Song On MY Mind - "Low" By Foo Fighters.
Reading - " Superman- Red Son" By Mark Millar.

Of Plague And Pox.

My kids are sick.

Not mentally sick, like their Dad, (That will come in time) but just not feeling well.
They both have had lingering colds and sniffles for the past week, and it just makes life that much more difficult.

There are two things that drive me crazy with a sick child:

1. Patience - Kids don't have any. They don't understand that you have to wait it out, and that the medicine you gave them thirty seconds ago isn't going to make them feel better right now. Daddy can fix almost everything instantly, why can't he make them feel better so they can go out and play?
2. Mucus - I said before that I should have invested in batteries before I became a Dad. My other stock option should have been Kleenex. The amount The Boy goes through is enough to deforest the Amazon all by himself. (I was going to make a crude masturbation joke involving lots of Kleenex here, but decided against it.) I am continually amazed by the twin rivers of snot that come out of a child's nose. Clean-up duty is almost a full time job.

That being said, I've tried to use all natural healing solutions drugging them is the only option.
Salves, ointments, pills, tonics - I'm given them a kid-friendly drug cocktail that'll have them seeing nothing but the inside of their eyelids for eight hours.

They are getting better, and soon they will be able to go and play with other people's germ-infested children once again. (And thus the circle perpetuates itself.)

Did you know there is a Children's NyQuil?
Who'd a thunk that? Next thing you know there will be Baby Jack Daniels.

Later.

Song On My Mind - "Tell Her This" By Del Amitri.
Reading - "Strangers In Paradise" Graphic Novel By Terry Moore.

Head Case.

I've always posted about things that astound or amuse me. This time I need help answering a question.

What kind of idiot leaves the tags/stickers on a hat that he is wearing out in public?

Don't get me started on the straight-brimmed, loc'd tight baseball cap. I think it looks retarded, however I'm willing to let it slide in the name of fashion. But to wear it with all the tags and shit still attached? Who possibly thinks that looks good?

Mind you, it is a nice hat, and the Caucasian-Urban-Youth guy is pretty proud of it. He's got all the shit hanging from it, so I can see that it's from Zoo York, is stretch fit, and cost him about 34 dollars.

Maybe he's trying to teach others about current fashion trends. He's like a walking "how-to". ( Or "how-not-to") A mobile catalog, with prices and sizing listed where appropriate. I should have looked at his shoes to see if the tag was there. They were nice shoes.

I'm thinking I should leave the tags on all my stuff - just so people can observe my mad stylzes and see how much it costs to rock the cotton/poly blend look.

I didn't think so.

I'm at a lost for any other reason why the tags would still be there. If anyone can explain it to me, or at least make some sense of it all, let me know.

Later.


Music On My Mind - "Wonderwall" By Oasis.
Reading - "Watchmen" Graphic Novel By Alan Moore.

Sweet 'N Low Can Lick My Balls.

My Tim Horton's coffee tastes funny.

It's tasted funny for the last couple of days.

I had assumed that they were just screwing up every time I went through the drive thru and not putting any sweetener in my coffee. I meant to say something to them, but by the time I notice it, I'm miles away. (I'm not going to phone back and bitch about my coffee - that's what the Internet is for, right?)

So the Sidekick and I go to Timmy's the other night, (Sorry Bish, we would have called, but you are 3 hours away.) and I ask for the usual - Xtra Large, 3 cream, 1 sweetener. I then glance down and notice that it isn't the lovely yellow Splenda package the girl is reaching for, but it's mirror-universe opposite, the gayish pinky-blue of Sweet 'N Low.

"Hey." I say, "When did you guys switch to Sweet 'N Low?"
"About a couple of days ago." The girl replies.
"Can I please see one of those packets?" I asked.
"Sure."

I glance at the packet and therein lies the root of my problem. One Sweet 'N Low packet is only equal to half a packet of Splenda! The mystery of the Cantankerous Customer's Coffee is solved!

"Can you make that two sweeteners?" I ask.
"Ok." She answers.

And all is right with the world once again.

Sweet 'N Low still sucks, but at least my coffee tastes right.

Later.


Song On My Mind - "A Day Late" By Anberlin.
Reading - "The Sweet 'N Low Package" By Problem Solved.

One Day.

One day off does not a day off make.

I know that makes no sense at all, but as I'm about to head off to work, it doesn't have to.
Yesterday was not really a relaxing day off, so I don't feel as rested as I should be.
My battery is only half-charged.

This will only be an advantage to those who will be facing me at Poker tonight. I may not be at the top of my game.

Screw That, I'm gonna waste them.

Later.


Song On My Mind - "Sweet Escape" By Gwen Stefani.
Reading - Nothing right now, I'm typing!

With a Smile.

Maybe it is me.

No matter where I went or who I dealt with today, every single person at any business or service, was in a foul and shitty mood.

And it showed.

I think that customer service in general has fallen by the wayside. (I say that, and I'm in the business of customer service.) I've noticed the decline over the last couple of years, and I believe I've commented on it a couple of times in this very blog.

I'm not sure if it's the people doing the job, the people doing the training, or if all the blame has to be laid at the feet of the people who run the show. (The customers.) When I was with the Arches, they had a simple saying: "Walk by a problem and you've made it the new standard." Every time you accept lesser service or bad attitudes, you've basically told that slacker that they are doing a good job. I don't want to be the complaining asshole, but someone has to say something.

I dealt with this twice lately. Both times involved me asking for help with something that I was looking for. The low-level clerks who were dealing with me either brushed me off or told me that they couldn't help me - and then walked away. What are my options in these situations? I could either:

1. Speak with my wallet - Don't say anything, leave and never shop there again. How much does that affect the Big Box Store? Not at all. Bot unless I get 100,000 of my friends to stop shopping there as well.
2. Bitch - Go higher up. Talk not only to someone who can help you, but to someone who can fix the service problem as well.
   

I chose the second option in both cases.

I gave each clerk as much opportunity to help me as possible, and I was very polite. When that wasn't enough, I spoke to the manager of the relative departments, politely explained myself to them and received either what I was looking for at a vastly reduced cost, or substituted with a better item. I wasn't rude and kept myself composed at all times. I even heard the one guy explaining to the clerk what he should have done afterwards. (The guy wasn't a dick about it either, so I hope it stuck.)

I'm not going to bitch all the time, but as a manager myself, I like it when people can give you feedback on how your staff is doing.Speaking with my wallet is good in some cases, but I'm not going to do that if the only one inconvenienced is me. (The Big Box Store will bemoan the amount I'm being discounted more than me driving another 45 minutes to avoid them.)

To sum myself up: Speak up! Reward good service with loyalty, appreciation and positive feedback; punish the bad service by letting them know you aren't happy. Don't ignore it and hope someone else deals with it.


Later.


Song On My Mind - "Monkey" By Counting Crows
Reading - "The Ingredients on the Coke Zero Can" By What Did They Put In This Shit?

Pillow Talk.

I got home tonight, had dinner and hit the couch to watch the Hockey game. (I couldn't get the Avs game, I had to settle for the Canucks.)

I'm not sure if it was the heat in the room, my full belly, or my comfortable couch - (Possibly all three.) but I dozed off for just a little bit between periods.

Now I'm wide awake.

(In case you are wondering, The Avs rocked Edmonton 5-1 - still chasing Calgary for 8th in the West. Oh yeah, Vancouver won too.)

The poker table will be my late night friend tonight. I'll probably play until I go mad, or win lots of play money.

Woo Hoo.

Later.


Song On My Mind - "Bobcaygeon" By The Tragically Hip.
Reading - "My Horoscope" By In The Newspaper.

Convergence.

Today my Cell-Phone, iPod, and watch all died within 5 minutes of each other.

I either have really bad timing, walked through an EMP, or God just hates me. (I'm sure it's the last one, but we can't rule out the fact that there is no God, hence my inclusion of the first two points.)

It's your choice.

Later.


Song On My Mind - "It's Been A While Since I was Your Man" - By Matthew Good.
Reading - "My Roll Up The Rim" By Please Play Again.

Return of the King.

The first day back at work after being on holidays is like a kick in the nuts.

Doesn't matter if you expect it or not, it still sucks.

Not that work was horrible or anything, but you never come back to exactly what you want. (I've been on both sides of the equation, and it blows either way.) Things are always slightly re-arranged in your absence, enough so that it takes a day to just get settled again.

But to-morrow?

It's on, Bitches.
(I kid, I kid. It's all cool.)

Later.


Song On My Mind - "New Age Girl" by Dead Eye Dick.
Reading - The same thing I was last post. What am I, a speed reader?

Believe.

4 Points out of the Playoffs.
10 Games left in the Season.
8-1-2 In their last 10 games,
And the team they are chasing is on a downward spiral.

I Believe.

Batteries Not Included.

If I was a stock-market kinda guy, I'd invest in Batteries.

Batteries are like toilet paper - you don't know how important they are until you don't have any. I'd even say they could be more important - you can wipe your ass with a leaf, but Mother Nature can't help you out when your camera starts flashing "low-bat".

Sometimes battery replacement helps you prioritize things in your life. Batteries on your wireless mouse go dead? Strip the ones from your camera. Need batteries for the camera? Take them from that annoying toy your in-laws got for the kids. Need batteries for the toy? Screw it- tell the kids that it's broken.

It wasn't until my first Christmas as a parent that I came to understand how big a part batteries would play in my life. The amount of children's toys that run on 2-4 "AAA" batteries or 6-8 "D" batteries is amazing. Couldn't they make these things a little bit more energy efficient? I guess it's hard to put a solar panel on the ol' Lite Brite.

I'm not a believer when it comes to battery superiority. I've found that cheap ones work just as good as The Copper Top. If the sight of a drumming bunny is supposed to get me to by a certain brand of battery, they are way off. Maybe they should pay the bunny less and make the batteries cheaper - then I might be interested. The only source I would take any advice from would be women who use vibrators. You know they aren't going to go with a battery that wears out mid-climax.

I'm off to see if I can steal another "AA" - I need to change the channel on the T.V.

Later.

Song on My Mind - "Sick of Myself" By Matthew Sweet
Reading - "Sweet Silver Blues" By Glen Cook

Kiss My Blarney

As much as I appreciate St Patrick's Day, I think it's a wasted holiday.

And I mean that literally.

The day is nothing more than an excuse for anyone to go out, drink too much, and act like a retard. (In a small way, I miss that aspect .) If you are Irish, go ahead and observe your day any way you want, but why does everyone else do it as well?

If you went out and asked a random drunk who St. Patrick was they would probably guess that he was an Irish bootlegger. I'm not even Catholic or Irish and that insults me.

But to each their own.

I think the next secular holiday is Cinco de Mayo.
Kegger, anyone?

Later.


Song on My Mind - "Kody" By Matchbox 20
Reading - "Danger Girl" Graphic Novel By J. Scott Campbell

Growin'

Since I'm on holidays, I'm growing the beard.

Not a full fledged hippie beard. I'm just rockin' the Goatee. (or Van Dyke - depends who you talk to.) My job doesn't forbid having a Goatee, but I've never tried to grow one. I just don't like that scruffy in-between look. Thought I'd give it a shot while I'm not at work. (I have to do something productive, right?)

I'm not impressed with the amount of gray in the beard. Am I going to do anything about it? Hell no! I would never do one of those color kits for men. I think that it would be to much of a noticeable difference. I'll work on my distinguished Doctor Strange look.

(Has anyone seen my Eye of Agamotto?)

I'll keep it for a couple of days after I get back from holidays, just to see how it feels while I'm working. If I'm not liking it, I'll shave it off then.

But so far so good.
I feel like Ming the Merciless.
(It is Poker Night after all.)

Later.


Song on My Mind - "Thanks a Lot" By Third Eye Blind
Reading - "The Portable Poker Pro" By Lou Krieger/ Sheree Bykofsky

404 : Not Found.

I had a thought.

It was right there, fully formed and ready to be typed out.
Then POOF! - it's gone.

I'm not sure if it's a product of my age or I'm just being a forgetful guy. I've always been a list-writer, because over the years I've found that if I don't write it down, them it's not going to get done.

It is strange what we remember and what we forget. I'm so full of useless trivia information, yet I forget where I put my keys or what I had for lunch yesterday. Let's not even think about long term - I'm great at remembering events after the date has past. (It's a talent. Not a very good one, but a talent nonetheless.) I only remember Christmas because everyone else is so fucking worked up around that time.

I'd stay and tell you more, but I have to go.
I forget exactly what it is I have to do, I just know I have to go do it.
This string on my finger must be good for something...

Later.

Song on My Mind - "Uprising Down Under" By Sam Roberts
Reading - "Ender's Game" By Orson Scott Card.

Geek Goods

As mentioned previously, I had a good time in Vic, and was able to purchase some items that make my Nerd heart feel good. These are somewhat geeky items, but trust me - all of them are awesome in their own way.

• 300 - By Frank Miller - Awesome movie, and you realize that the book is just as great because the movie was made scene for scene and word for word from the graphic novel. The art is pure Frank and does not disappoint.
• Powers: Who Killed Retro Girl? - By Brian Micheal Bendis - Excellent graphic novel, and makes me want to pick up all the others in the series. Isn't that what a good novel is supposed to do? Make you want to read more?
• The Government Manual for New Superheros - By Matthew Brozik - Handy for when I don my tights and cape to dispense Justice in the River City. So far so good on this one. It's full of comic nerd in-jokes and one liners.
  
• Casino Royale - Starring Daniel Craig - Hell yeah, bought it the moment it hit the shelves. This movie rocked my socks and made me want to be a spy all over again. I know the Sidekick is going to get it, but I wanted to beat him to the punch.

That's pretty much it.
Not like I went hog-wild or anything. The great thing is having a 40% discount at the Comic-Book Store. Problem is, when I get in there, I tend to draw a blank as to what I came for and what I wanted to get. The same thing happens in Future Shop.

At least I got some good reading material and yet another awesome movie to add to the collection. It'll be a while before I get to Nerd-out like that again.

Later.

Song on my mind - "Come Back" By Pearl Jam
Reading - "Government Manual for New Superheros" By Matthew Brozik

Musical Evolution

The Twin and I are alike in a lot of ways.

We both like Hockey, love video games and comics, have very similar personalities and periodically (when we were younger) even dated the same girls.

But some things have changed over the years. The number one item being musical taste.

We listened to the same stuff back in high school - we went to the same concerts, listened to the same CD's, and it was almost a given that if he liked something new that had just come out, I would like it as well.

When we get together now, it's like going back in time. If you tried to combine our iPods, mine would scream out in agony and commit technological suicide. It's not that the music is bad, it's just that some of it feels so dated.

The strangest thing I notice is that he's kept up with all the bands we used to enjoy. Did you know that Warrant released eight more albums after Cherry Pie? I sure didn't. It's like that with all the bands from that era. Dokken, Lillian Axe, Tora Tora, Danger Danger - the list could go on forever. It's not like I expected those bands to go away when I stopped listening to them, but it is surprising that they are still out there recording. If you've ever wondered how bands like that make a living after all these years, you have my brother to thank for it.

It's nice to hear some of the old favorites, and it's good to stick with my "roots" - but getting back to my own collection of MP3's was a welcome relief. If I would have listened to that stuff much longer I would have re-grown my mullet and tight-rolled my jeans.

Has anyone seen my high-tops?

Later.

Song on My Mind - "Dimension" by Wolfmother
Reading - "300" Graphic Novel by Frank Miller.

Wii!

I got a chance to play with the Nintendo Wii last night.
I've got to say - I'm a big fan.

I really want an XBox 360, but I can see purchasing a Wii first. It seems like a more "social" system. People who aren't even gamers can pick it up and play.

I was able to play some Wii Sports and Wario Smooth Moves last night.
The first is a really simplistic view of generic sports and the second is like Japanese anime on LSD. (If I was still doing drugs, Smooth Moves would be my game of choice.) I think the Wii is the only game system that you can actually sweat while playing. Not that I did, but I bet some of the tubby fucks who own this system are.

The vacation is going great - played Wii last night and tonight I'm going to introduce everyone to Poker... for money... This trip might just pay for itself.

Later.

Song on my mind - "Ishmael and Maggie" by The Trews.
Reading - "V for Vendetta" - Graphic Novel by Alan Moore.

Next of Kin.

I'm off to Victoria for a couple of days.
Family Vacation to see the Twin.

It's nice to get out of town for a while and just go somewhere. All the kids get along great, so going down Island is always a good option. (Plus I get to geek out at the comic book store - my favorite place for fiction and pop-culture stuff.)

The fact that the twin has a 360, a Wii, and a big ass T.V. means I get to live my geek potential to it fullest.

I'm looking forward to the drive down - hoping a Red Ferrari with Christie Brinkley in it will pull up beside me in the passing lane. (One of the all time Greatest Movie Moments - at least to my 11 year old mind.) The drive is usually not that exciting..

Back in a while.

Later.

Sparta!

Tonight The Sidekick and I went and watched 300.

The movie was good. Very good.

When you take a Frank Miller graphic novel and adapt it to a movie - count me in. As I learned from Sin City and confirmed tonight, it means three things: Blood, Guts, and Titties, titties, titties. ('Ol Frank knows the importance of breasts in modern cinema.)

The movie was beautifully shot, engaging, and the story was well told. Don't look to it for historical accuracy - it is a work of fiction after all. (People's teeth weren't that perfect in the past - that's one thing that I noticed.)

What I found shocking was the fact that there was a family there. This movie is rated 18A, and if you decide to bring your 15 year old, fine. But to bring a toddler and another kid who is at most 10 years old is sheer madness. Go on cheap night and use the money you saved to buy a sitter. How do you explain to your kid why the man cut off the other man's arm? Can't wait for the next fight at that house. Someone's getting impaled because they couldn't share Tickle Me Elmo.
(What the fuck is wrong with people?)

But back to the movie - it is worth another look. I'd even go see it again, should time and events conspire for me to do so. If not, I'll sure as hell get it when it hits DVD.

Titties, Titties, Titties.
(I had to say it again.)


Later.

The Tale of Table 185.

I just finished playing in my first ever online Poker Tournament.

Since the night is still young, you can tell I didn't do too well.

Out of 3000 people, I placed 1961st. (I know it sounds shitty, but hey - there were 1000 others out before I was.) It basically came down to blinds- they were being raised every five minutes and if I didn't make a move soon, I would have been washed out.

So I bided my time, waited until I got a passable hand (Ace-9 suited) and went all in when the flop showed an Ace. I would have been alright too, except for the guy that fished Two Pair out on the River.

And then it was all over.
I wasn't the first guy out from Table 185, and I wasn't ashamed about how I went out.

It was fun while it lasted, and I'll do it again.
It passes the time in between Poker Nights at The Sidekick's place.
Although it's much more fun to make fun of his Mother to his face.

Later.

Rollin'

Tim Horton's - 18
Me - 3

Every year this happens.

The Roll Up The Rim contest comes to Tim Horton's and what do I win? Jack Shit. I've claimed a total of three free coffees, ( one was given to me by someone else) and I have yet to hear of anyone in our town win something good. Where's my Plasma TV, my Hybrid Toyota?

(The funny thing is that if I'd saved the money instead of spending it on coffee, I'd almost have the cash for the T.V.)

If anything, this contest makes the madness at the local coffee shops even more insane than usual. Want to enjoy a tasty beverage and possibly win $1000 or an iPod? So does everyone else. They line up like lemmings about to go off the cliff. What is even more irritating is that they are all in my way.

I'll keep drinking 'cause I like the coffee, and I'll keep rolling 'cause I like to win. But I have to admit I'm getting tired of seeing Please Play Again/Reessayez S.V.P.

"When Lord? -when is My time?"

Later.

In Brightest Day, In Blackest Night...

You are Green Lantern

Green Lantern 65% Spider-Man 60% Catwoman 60% The Flash 60% Hulk 55% Superman 50% Robin 45% Wonder Woman 45% Supergirl 45% Iron Man 45% Batman 20%

Hot headed, you have strong willpower and a good imagination.

Click here to take the Superhero Personality Quiz

A good imagination and flashy jewelry.
I'm all man, baby.
(So just ignore the 60% Catwoman bit, okay?)

Later.

Contemplation.

Where do you do most of your thinking?

I have two areas of my home that are conducive to my thought process. Conveniently, they are both in the Bathroom.

I find that most of my flashes of insight, realizations and epiphanies come while I'm in the shower. I don't know if it's the hot water and steam recreating the fog-like ambiance of my brain, or the fact that soaping my genitalia makes me think dirty thoughts - which leads to real thought. Whatever it is, it seems to work just fine.

Deep thought requires a seat. That's why most of my worldly life-moving thoughts are partially made on the toilet. It's not that doing my business makes me organize my business - that's just wrong. The main reason is that it's the one room in the house that you can lock yourself into and no one will bother you. This becomes crucial in a house with kids. Time and space are needed to think. The reading selection also helps. (Magazine, anyone?)

It's not just my Bathroom - it's my Fortress of Solitude.

At the end of it all, be it insight or deep contemplation, when I leave that room, I'm ready to roll.

So where do you do your business?
Where are you when inspiration strikes?
Seat up or down?
Flush twice if it's a shitty idea.


Later.

Skeleton Crew

I'm on Day 3 of 4 straight night shifts.

(I feel like Chad Vader- Night Shift Manager)

To some of the people I work with, having a night shift appear on your schedule is akin to getting kicked in the nuts. The groans and gasps they make when they see the schedule would make you think they really did take a shot in the nether regions.

Me? I like it.
(The shift - not getting whacked in my naughty bits.)

The night shift is fairly routine and laid back. The hustle and craziness of the day is done, and you are basically just reorganizing and cleaning up. It's not that bad - not as bad as some people make it out to be.

As for the time - I still get off work almost 3 hours earlier than I did at my old job, so that doesn't bother me. It seems that some people just don't like working at night.

(I do most of my best work in the dark.)

Well, I'm off to get ready for work. After this shift I have two day shifts. The only bad thing about working so many late nights in a row is the transition back to "regular" hours. That early morning wake-up is a bitch.

Thank God for Coffee. (again)

Later.

Interesting...

You'll die from a Heart Attack during Sex.

Your a lover not a fighter but sadly, in the act of making love your heart will stop. But what a way to go.

'How will you die?' at QuizGalaxy.com

I don't think it's "mysterious" at all.
I take chances, I push limits, it's a workout and a half.

Later.

Zit.

Nothing is more troubling to a man over Thirty than a Zit.

For the Modern Man, a Zit takes you back to all the bad things about your youth. Acne, puberty, clumsy attempts to get laid - these aren't the things we like to be reminded of. (When we reminisce about the past, we like to focus on the positive.)

I think what pisses me off is that I take so much better care of myself now than I did then. Yet still.... BAM! Zit.

I do know men my age who go as far as to use makeup to cover their minor outbreak. I'm not one of them - I tell people the mark on my face is from my last knife fight at the bar. (What? It's believable..)

Now you'll have to excuse me while I dig out the Clearasil.....
What's the expiry date on this?
December 1992?

It'll do.


Later.

Thank God!

Finally!

My prayers have been answered!

I've just found out that March 14th is National Steak & Blow-Job Day.

I've been waiting for this for what seems like forever.

I'm not sure of all the formalities. I know on Valentines Day it's acceptable to receive more than one Valentine - so I'm guessing 3-4 Steaks and the accompanying Blow-Jobs should do me just fine. I don't want it to seem like I'm not embracing what could possibly be the best holiday ever.

I'd even go a step father and provide goggles, if that's the proper etiquette. (Safety First!)

This could possibly surpass Christmas on a "Great Holidays" scale.

I'll take my Steak medium-rare.
The Blow-Job?
I'll take it anyway it comes.

Later

Fucking Groundhog...

That little bastard lied.

It's fucking snowing outside right now.

I'd take it out on him if it didn't mean I'd have to go out in this crap.

I guess it's my fault for trusting a small rodent's meteorological skills over the guy on T.V.
(Either way it's a total crapshoot, right?) Being a weatherman must be the least rewarding job in the world. When you are right, no one thanks you, and when you are wrong you get nothing but shit. That's probably the reason they passed it on to the Groundhog.

"It's not my fault! The shifty bugger saw his shadow!"

Anyone want some stew?

Later.

Frustration.

Sometimes it's the little things that drive you mad.

The towel on the floor, the glass on the counter, tiny things that don't add up to much for anybody but you.
Some days I find that I just let these things bother me. There are times that I can tune them out or just say "Fuck It" and ignore it, but like a little itch, it just seems to get worse until I deal with it.

Are there days that I feel like I'm being taken for granted? That if something is left long enough, I'll just deal with it?

Yes there are.
And today is one of them.

Later.

Consultation.

Today seemed to be a day of questions.

It felt like everyone wanted to know my opinion on every little thing.

It's tricky - some people you can be brutally honest with because there is no cost to you. If you hurt their feelings with your opinion, it doesn't affect you at all. Then there are the ones you can be honest with, but have to watch how you say it so that nothing impacts you negatively. (Most of the time this is just simple tact.)

The best opinions are from a third party.
You may think you are hot, your wife/girlfriend/whatever may think you are hot, but it's catching that strange girl on the street checking you out that makes it all come together.

I did my best and phrased my opinions well.

Now where is my Consultant's Fee?
Xtra-Large, Three Cream - One Sweetener, please.
And throw a Cruller in there for the hell of it.

Later.

Taxes.

So I'm doing my taxes.

I do them by hand, with a pencil and calculator. My taxes are pretty basic stuff, no outrageous deductions or shady loopholes. (Although trying to claim a Swedish Nanny as an "Entertainment" deduction has crossed my mind.)

The Government and I have a good thing going. Every year I do my taxes, and they send me money. I then take this money and use it to pay off other debt. Sometimes I even use it to by an RRSP. (Oh no! Thinking about the Future!)

I have been tempted in the past to use those fancy software programs to do my work for me, but in the end I always have my trusty pencil. It doesn't have to be upgraded, requires little maintenance, and the software running it (while out of date) still runs well on the old machine. Plus I can use the pencil to scratch that itch in the middle of my back. Try and do that with your computer.

I've got to get back to filling out these forms.
The quicker I send them in, the sooner I get my fat Government cheque.

Now lessee....carry the 2 and divide by 6.25...
Forty Million Dollars? I think I must have missed something....

Later.

NerdChecker.

Google spellcheck is a closet comic book geek.

Why, do you say?

I have three spellcheckers on when I blog. (Yay for redundancy!) Google's, the one that Blogger provides, and the one that is built into Firefox. Of these three, only Google was able to catch my misspellings of Kryptonite, Spider-Man, and Galactus. (I only misspelled because I was trying to type fast, not because I'm retarded.)

Like Google needed to do anything else to win my undying affection.

(I'm such a nerd.)

Later.

Outlook.

I was told today that when anyone asks how you are doing, you should reply with "I'm Perfect."

The reason?

They tell me that the simple projection of confidence and self assurance will make you appear perfect and in essence command perfection from your life.

Horseshit.

I can go around and tell people how perfect I am and they wouldn't believe a damn word I said. (I know, I've tried.) How can you say you are perfect when you obviously aren't? What if you just had a shitty day, were late for work, and someone stole the seat off your bike? Will telling relative strangers that you are perfect make you on time and put the seat back on ?

I didn't think so.

I think that toning it down a little may be in order. You don't have to be honest and say that life sucks, but just aim a little lower - say "aight". (At least the ghetto white kids will know you're okay.) It's not to high and it's not too low. No one can be Perfect all the time.

As for me?

I've said before that I tell people I'm perfect, but that is only true 98% of the time.
The other 2%?
That's when I'm losing at Poker.

Later.

Please.....

Don't Use A Baby's Head In Your Sandwich.

Later.

Vehicular Conundrum.

I see trouble in my future.

I've said it many times: I'm a Coffee Whore™.

My coffee selection when around town is pretty much Tim Horton's. Forget coffee at The Arches; I wouldn't wash my car with that stuff.

Since I have the boys in the car, I go for the Drive Thru. That way I don't have to get them in and out of the car for just a coffee. (Parenting Rule #254: Avoid repeated removals from Car Seats - it will only make them angry. Pay at the Pump and Drive Thru are your friend.) I'm not one of those retarded parents who leaves the kids in the car when going in business establishments.

But they are building a new Starbucks in town. And it has a Drive Thru.

I love Starbucks.
Grande White Chocolate Mocha?
Yesthankyouverymuchplease.

Now that I will have access to them in my preferred method of pickup, I think that my loyalty to Tim's might just waver. (I will acknowledge that I can get 3 XL at Tim's for the price of 1 Grande at Starbucks. Money will be a factor.) Timmy's will be my Chicken Soup and Starbuck's my Spicy Tomato. God help me.

It'll be nice to be able to treat myself.

I'm tempted to try and be the first guy through the Starbuck's Drive Thru - Pop it's Cherry, so to speak. I'm a Starbuck's Drive Thru Virgin myself, so we can consummate our love enjoy our first time together.

It'll be magical.

The only weird part?
The kids will be in the back seat.
"Why are you moaning like that, Daddy?"

Later.

The Resurrection.

I'm very faithful when it comes to charging my iPod.

I do let it run down to maintain battery life, but never have I let it run so low as to forcibly shut down. When I did get a chance to charge it, iTunes wouldn't even recognize it for about ten minutes. When it finally did pop up into the iTunes panel, I let out an audible sigh of relief.

My cell phone? I'll let that sucker die a thousand deaths before I charge it.
My iPod?

Never again, baby.
Never again.

Later.

Painting With Broad Strokes...

Just got back from the late showing of Ghost Rider.

I said to the Sidekick right after:

"People who like Nascar are going to love Ghost Rider."

There is nothing wrong with this statement or the movie itself. If you like flames, skulls and fast moving objects this movie is exactly what you are looking for.

Plot? Whatever.
Shakespearean dialog? Not here.
Skulls and flames? Oh hell yeah.

I was prepared for the bike to only turn left.

Later.

Pancakes!

Today is National Pancake Day at IHOP.

If you go into any participating IHOP, they will give you a free short stack of pancakes. (I believe a suggested donation to charity is all they ask.)

Next to Donuts, breakfast is my next Food Kryptonite. (Ask the Sidekick about The Grand Forks Breakfast.) Luckily the nearest IHOP is about 6 hours away, so I am unable to partake of this joyous occasion. If there was one in town, I would be found passed out somewhere between there and Tim Horton's. (God forbid if they were side by side.)

I'm with them in spirit, though.

I can almost taste the syrup.
(So Hungry....)

Later.

Dropping The Ball.

I don't make mistakes often.

At work, that is.

I'm actually pretty good at my job. I'm on-time, organized, responsible, quick thinking and able to adapt. (I'm like a dream resume poured into bone and sinew.)

Which is why it bugs me so much to have not one, but two errors pointed out to me. One was something I forgot to do, and the other was a miscommunication on my part which resulted in some confusion for other people.

Oh, the woes of perfection.

I'm harder on myself than anyone else could be. There were no repercussions because some of the people I work with were flabbergasted that I actually made a mistake. It was chocked up to "You must have just had an off day - that's not like you." (See what I mean about how good I am?) I did accept full responsibility and admit fault. That is so unlike me. (The admitting fault part.)

But I shook it off and finished my tasks.
Tomorrow is another day, after all.

....And it's my day off.

Later.

Hard Times.

It's tough to be an Avalanche fan right now.

This team is usually well on the winning side of .500 at this time of the year, and well on their way to securing a solid playoff berth.

But due to inconsistent goaltending and periodic injury, it's been a rough year for my Avs. I'm starting to think they won't make the playoffs. I still think that they can do it, but I do have my doubts.

I just finished watching them lose to the Canucks. Being an Avs fan in B.C. is like being a leper in a nudist colony. I don't mind them losing so much, but does it have to be to Vancouver? I took enough heat from the rabble around here over the Steve Moore incident, do I have to get it this year?

People love to see the mighty fall, and I've found out that they like to kick you when you are down as well.

But revenge will be sweet, I tell you. The Avs are going to pull their shit together down the stretch, Theo's going to be a wall in between the pipes, and come playoff time heads are going to roll.

You just wait and see...


But I'm not putting money on it.

Later.

Return Policy

I sometimes think that dealing with the public is to much for me. The human race as a whole is getting more insipid and ignorant, and I'm starting to lose my sunny outlook and positive demeanor.

Take tonight for instance. I have a customer come in tonight to return a product. No problem right? A customer service specialist's dream.

• The product was not in any packaging - original or otherwise.
• He didn't have a receipt, till tape, debit slip, nothing.
• He didn't have anything identifying the product as being bought from us.
• He was also rude from the start.

I politely inform him that without any proof of purchase or even any packaging, there is nothing that I can do for him.

He then proceeds to tell me that it's bullshit that he drove all the way here and that I won't do anything for him. I told him it's not that I won't do anything, it's that I can't do anything. I would love to help him if he had any proof of purchase, anything at all. Heck - if he would have shown me that he had spent any money at the place I would have helped him. But to just hand out stuff without anything to show my bosses is against company policy.

He then stormed off in a huff.

I don't think I was unreasonable, and trust me, I am way more polite in person than the above testimony sounds. I was following company policy. Name one retailer that you can go to without a receipt or even a package that'll give you your money back. I can't think of any. It just doesn't happen that way.

But people who refuse to see the other side of that issue are what frustrate me. The guy tries to make me feel like an ass just for doing my job. Listen buddy, if you would have stopped and thought for thirty seconds before you got into your car, we would be having a much nicer conversation.

It's not my fault you are retarded. Blame God for that.

Next, please. (Big Fake Smile™)

Later.